NO OFFENCE BUT...

You’re being offensive. Anything that follows: “No offence but” is ALWAYS offensive. By pre-empting your offensive comment with the caveat “no offence but” you do not absolve yourself of being offensive, you merely flag that you are about to be offensive and that you are aware you are about to be offensive which is actually more offensive than just being offensive. So no offence but shutup.

WHAT IS CHIPMUNKING?

Chipmunking is very common. It is the act of moving the food in your mouth into your cheeks and then talking with your mouth full.  It fools no one, we can see that you're talking with your mouth full (which is the height of bad manners) only now you look like a fat faced little chipmunk while you're doing it.

THE AHHH BRA

Mmm, the stylish Ahh Bra, so named because when you take your shirt off and a guy sees you’re wearing it, he says: “Ahh, I just remembered I have to be up early tomorrow morning, think I might head off.” 

And then you never see him again.